Thursday, July 7, 2016

YOUR JONESY TURDOSCOPES FOR THURSDAY JULY 7TH

Aquarius~ Move to Staten Island and overdose on heroin.

Libra~ May your dog die and your lucky number is -23.

Gemini~ You will get hit by a bus twice then be raped by an Orangutan.

Capricorn~ Why did you even bother to wake up? Just kill yourself already and your lucky number is 90.

Virgo~ You will experience a sharp and hot pain in your anus for a month. Lucky numbers are 12, 65 and 4.

Taurus~ Make some chicken cutlets and call me in the morning. Lucky number is 6.

Sagittarius~ You will be surrounded by sweaty jews in black suits today for 4 fours. Your lucky color is brown.

Leo~ You are a huge Pussy.

Aries~ May ISIS blow you up while you eat Mcdonalds breakfast at night.

Pisces~ MOIST

Scorpio~ Watch Weird Science 23 times and you will find a quarter on the street.

Cancer~ You are fucked so nothing you can do. Lucky numbers are 45, 78 and -4

Make your own luck
Stop Whining 
Unfuck Yourself 
Get Vigorous
~~~ JONESY "THE SWAMI OF SOGGY" VIGOROUS ~~~