Aquarius~ Move to Staten Island and overdose on heroin.
Libra~ May your dog die and your lucky number is -23.
Gemini~ You will get hit by a bus twice then be raped by an Orangutan.
Capricorn~ Why did you even bother to wake up? Just kill yourself already and your lucky number is 90.
Virgo~ You will experience a sharp and hot pain in your anus for a month. Lucky numbers are 12, 65 and 4.
Taurus~ Make some chicken cutlets and call me in the morning. Lucky number is 6.
Sagittarius~ You will be surrounded by sweaty jews in black suits today for 4 fours. Your lucky color is brown.
Leo~ You are a huge Pussy.
Aries~ May ISIS blow you up while you eat Mcdonalds breakfast at night.
Scorpio~ Watch Weird Science 23 times and you will find a quarter on the street.
Cancer~ You are fucked so nothing you can do. Lucky numbers are 45, 78 and -4
Make your own luck
~~~ JONESY "THE SWAMI OF SOGGY" VIGOROUS ~~~