Aries~ You will get raped by Harambe's pissed off uncle from Hoboken.
Leo~ You are not a lion and you will never be a lion. You are just a big chinese food ready pussy. Lucky numbers are 13, 87, 2.
Sagittarius~ You will get Ebola from drinking coffee made by an Illegal immigrant.
Taurus~ You will move to Staten Island and catch AIDS from drinking the water. But you will receive eternal enlightenment when you die.
Virgo~ Rub cream of corn and hot hash on yourself and you will feel MOIST.
Capricorn~ No one likes you. You really have no friends. You are alone in this world. You should just end it right now...........................Or you can watch Ernest Goes to Camp and eat a Baby Ruth and everything will be better!
Gemini~ Rub coconut oil on your sensitive areas and unfuck yourself.
Libra~ Drink 12 Manhattan Specials and play Frogger on the belt parkway.
Aquarius~ Have sex with a obese woman with 70s bush and you will be granted 10 years good luck.
Cancer~ You are just fucked. No reason to go on anymore. Lucky numbers 4, 23,16.
Scorpio~ You need to rub the urine of a menstruating manatee all over your body before the next full moon or you and your children will go blind.
Pisces~ Pray to Al Bundy and Archie Bunker. Drink some Cold Duck and head butt a whiner and all will be Vigorous.
The only sign you got to worry about is the sign I nailed to your forehead. STOP THAT WHINE IT'S UNFUCKIN TIME!
~~~ JONESY "THE SWAMI OF SOGGY" VIGOROUS ~~~