Aries- You will be gang raped by Syrian refugees while waiting online at Chipotle.
Taurus- Stop chewing on bullshit, reading bullshit, talking bullshit, smelling like bullshit and sodomizing yourself with bullshit.
Gemini~ You will die in 48 hours if you do not watch an episode of All in The Family and Riptide. Lucky number is 67.
Cancer- Wear all the pink you want you are still fucked. Lucky numbers 5,15 and 43.
Leo- I have a friend named Leo he owns a pizza joint on 3rd Ave in Bay Ridge. mention Jonesy and receive Mozzarella Enlightenment.
Virgo- Rub coconut oil on your sensitive areas and unfuck yourself.
Libra- Move to Staten Island and develop radiation poisoning and a nice heroine addiction. Lucky numbers 21 and 5.
Sagittarius- You need to rub the urine of a menstruating manatee all over your body before the next full moon. Or you will catch AIDS and dandruff.
Capricorn- Throw away your skinny jeans and become a vegan chain smoker or your first born will have flippers and color blind.
Aquarius- Have sex with a obese woman with 70s bush and you will be granted 10 years good luck.
Pisces- Rub cream of corn and hot hash on yourself and you will feel MOIST.
For personalized readings and bullying you can call 1-900-YOU-TURD.
~~~ JONESY VIGOROUS ~~~