ARIES- May you get hit by a bus and contract Bernie Sanders AIDS.
LIBRA- You will lose your job and a ring finger. Lucky number is 45.
TAURUS- You will be raped by 7 refugees and get food poisoning.
SCORPIO- You will be forced to move to Staten Island and work in Perkins.
GEMINI- Your son will want rainbow hair and an easy bake oven.
SAGITTARIUS- You will get rabies from your girlfriend and your lucky numbers are 3,23,77.
CANCER- You are already fucked. You have no hope. I'm shocked if you see tomorrow.
CAPRICORN- You will be sodomized by a Gay Walrus at a Nickel Back concert.
LEO- You are nothing but a big pussy. Just kill yourself already. Lucky numbers 8, 65 and -54.
AQUARIUS- You went OVER THE WALL years ago. Go back into your hole and rot.
VIRGO- Buy this t shirt or you will get 20 years bad luck...... https://teespring.com/be-a-vigorous-american_copy_1#pid=2&cid=568&sid=front
PISCES- Keep it Moist and Vigorous and you will receive good fortune in the upcoming year.
He-Cunts and She- Flounders buy into this bullshit. The strong and Vigorous make their own luck and choose their own paths.
Never too late to unfuck yourself and Get Vigorous.
~~~ JONESY VIGOROUS ~~~